Women, Men, and Cigarettes

Three of five girl friends of mine are smoker, one of them is a social smoker, two others are active smokers.
All of them agreed smoking are a bad habit.
All of them considering one day they would stop.
All of them hoping someday there is a guy who able to change them.
Someone who made them stop smoking.

Then I had a thought:

Why bother changing your habit because of a man?
Why don't you find a guy who understand that women also need to smoke?
If you find a reason to stop smoking for the sake of your lungs then do it.
Not because a man told you so.

But I couldn't tell em.

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Outta Place

Have you ever find yourself lost in the middle of a group talk? You hate the conversation but you couldn’t escape and you do nothing just because you are too lazy to defend an argument? I did it very often for the sake of world peace.

Me and my cubical friends always had casual conversation during lunch break,  mostly about brandnew apparel they're gonna buy early next month or they just gossiping or joking around, and their favorite joke was about sex. 

Most people would laugh out loud to sex-jokes, but I kinda offended if I was in the middle of it.

I mean, talking about your penis, your vagina, or your boobs or any other raunchy things without any good intended such as self-educate, sharing problems, or anything for your mental healt. What's for? It's not something proper to laugh at. 

Sexual talk considered as a personal and serious matter to me, but not to my friends. Feels like I’m a lost Digimon in the middle of Pokemon movie. I can't use my power to defeat them, because I'm not in the right scene. 

I don’t know, I just can't find the hilarious side of their jokes. I can't take sex-jokes as a joke. I am more into sarcastic and thoughtful jokes like what Sheldon did in Big Bang Theory. 

Maybe I'm being too serious, whatever. 

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Murmuring: Am I Naive

Today was another day I miss writing my shitty day so it would at least drain out  problems out of my mind. It wasn't, but sure helps.

I was running like crazy this 24 hours, helping others solve their problems while I had my own waiting.

It's not a paid job, more likely voluntary but I did it anyway.

None of this I wanted to brag about, but sometimes I felt tired spending my time and my energy for people who don't really understand my situation. But again, I did it anyway.

Mostly my sister complained about me being naive and unrealistic. Maybe because she's a pro then she calculate everything while I'm  doing it purposeless, just when a friend of mine asking for a help.

Ah, sorry I'm being haphazard. I was talking about creative jobs such as photography, designing, and other stuffs relate to digital artwork. My family was really into it, even my sister was made it into a pro. She went to college major in design. No wonder she's calculated everything.

Said she, I should put on my price tag because the job spent times, ideas, energy, creativity out of me. And I know she's right.

But then, I'm not a pro like her. Feels like I don't deserve a price tag on me (well, maybe not yet).

Temporarily, I'll do the job just when I had the time and I really wanted to do it. I was just glad that I could help my friend.

To be honest, I had a thought my friend would paid me with a chance to help me someday in the future.

Now I know why she called me naive.

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A Conversation With Mother

That night when only me and her in a time after supper, I gave a short hurtful reviewed on how our alliance so-we-called family could be this messed up. By opening this up I hope she know my feelings, I hope she'll listen, I hope she’ll understand.

The ugly truth: my family was (and still is) that kind of family that never had conversation with each other, or gather to share feelings about each other. The family that shut down a problem by pretending that everything is gonna be just fine if we don't talk about the problem no more. The family that created peace by keeping the bloody war inside everyone heart.
Dangly Amazing, we've done this for years.

I told her:

How my siblings and I survived our childhood obtaining abusive treatment from her and her husband. 

How it affects us until now. And I thought she should know.

How I learn so much from this messed up family.

How I see my friends’ parents were not like mine.

How I want to change everything, start the talk and forgive.

And she told me:

How she was only a stupid mother.

How she regret what she and her husband did to us back then.

How she's okay we don't consider her as a mother no more

How a neighbor's kid still love their parents even in abusive childhood.

How she's survived in pain pregnant and born us.

How she wants to live peaceful without talking about the past.

No, mom. I don't mind if you are stupid. I don't need a brilliantly clever super mom, I only need a mom who’d like to know her children's feeling and what kind of life they're living. I want a mother who'd like to stop this bloody war and fix this family. I want a mother who gave a damn care, if love is too much to ask.

I thought that night I was failed made her understand. Maybe I should try some other time.

Yeah, maybe some other time I should said it without tears.

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Murmuring #1

Follow your heart its an ambiguity when the things you really want to do takes to much risks, and the shits push your courage aside.

Oh, how office work could damage your brain and your creativity, srzly.

I've always dreamed to have my own store, selling things online, hunting down rare traditional craft, share it, create a master book of Indonesian's culture, and became a travel writer.

Yeah, something like that.

Well, at least, Not in the near future.

I'm still struggling with things I don't desire for starting the things I really want TO DO.

How it sounds like?

Very canny for people in the city.

Good night, fellas.

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