August 17, 2018

Tentang Pernikahan

Gue besar di keluarga dengan tingkat perceraian yang cukup signifikan di setiap lini keturunan. Sebut aja kakek dan nenek gue dari garis keturunan nyokap. Mereka berdua (baik nenek dan kakek) menikah lebih dari tiga kali dalam hidup mereka. Sekarang yang masih hidup tinggal si Abah (kakek gue) yang dulu mudanya jadi tentara, pangkatnya pun nggak main-main; jendral. Jadi kalopun ada yang mau jadi istrinya, pensiunan dari Abah gue yang jadi inceran.

Sekarang abah tinggal di rumah sendirian di kampung dengan istri terakhir (gue berharapnya sih begitu) yang entah sayang atau enggak sama dia. Abah gue ini tipe orang yang tempramen dan punya kebiasaan ngebuka percakapan personal di ruang publik, nggak heran sih banyak perempuan yang nggak tahan jadi istrinya. Prinsip si Abah sekarang; "yang penting ada yang mau ngurusin gue". Karena anak-anaknya tinggal jauh dari rumahnya dan juga dipicu konflik keluarga yang bikin anaknya segan mau (setidaknya) berkunjung.

Bicara soal cinta di massa tua, memang sebegitu susahnyanya kah dicari?

Satu garis di bawah abah ada nyokap, yang juga mengalami perceraian di usia muda sebelum akhirnya menikah sama bokap karena pernikahan dia yang sebelumnya “dipaksakan”.

Bokap dan nyokap gue ini punya kisah cinta yang  tragis sih. Mereka berdua saling suka dari kecil dan sampai usia sekolah mereka masih pacaran, tapi nggak direstui sama dua keluarga yang dari dulu udah punya konflik.

Untuk memutus jalinan kasih mereka, akhirnya nyokap dinikahin paksa. Tapi nggak lama. Nyokap gue akhirnya bercerai dan langsung dibawa sama bokap meninggalkan kampung yang nggak suka liat  mereka bersama, tanpa restu.

Di sini gue bangga banget sih sama bokap, dia bener-bener memperjuangkan nyokap :’). Gue jadi semacam punya gambaran sosok pria sejati itu ya seperti bokap gue yang gigih dalam memperjuangkan orang yang dia sayang meski halang melintang.

Tapi.. segetir itu perjuangan mereka buat bersama, nggak menjamin kalo mereka bakal bahagia selamanya. Buktinya pernikahan yang mereka bangun puluhan tahun akhirnya berujung perceraian karena masalah orang ketiga. Walaupun dua tahun berselang mereka rujuk lagi. Mungkin pada akhirnya yang mereka cari adalah orang yang bisa menerima dan memafkan mereka dari kesalahan-kesalahan di masa lampau.

Di garis keturunan tepat di atas gue ada kakak perempuan gue juga yang mengalami perceraian di usia pernikahannya yang baru lima tahun. Masalahnya ada pada ketidakcocokan antar pribadi sih setelah akhirnya mereka memendam kekesalan dan kekecewaan menahun.

Menyaksikan beberapa percerian yang memilukan hati, gue agak mulai pesimis dengan kisah gue sendiri. Pernihakan jadi sesuatu yang menakutkan buat gue, semacam kotak pandora misterius yang nggak bisa dipresiksi apa isinya.

Gue pengennya buka kotak pandoranya sebelum menikah. Maksudnya gue akan berusaha menyelami pribadi orang yang nantinya akan gue ajak menikah. Terlalu mengerikan menghabiskan sisa hidup bersama orang yang “pribadi paling pribadinya” tidak dikenal. Nggak tau bisa diajak diskusi apa engga, mau nerima borok masing-masing atau engga.. Karena menurut gue pada akhirnya sosok yang dibutuhkan untuk menemani lo sampai mati adalah orang yang mau diajak bekerjasama sebagai satu tim, bukan?

Mungkin kesannya gue agak terlalu terburu-buru, nggak bisa selow aja,  apa-apa diseriusin. Makannya ada yang kabur :’) haha, *bitter.

Ya.. intinya pernikahan masih jauh dari bayangan gue buat sekarang. Terlalu dini buat memutuskan untuk menikah ketika gue belum buka kotak pandoranya, terlebih kalo kotaknya menolak untuk dibuka. Usahanya bikin capek setengah mampus, lebih baik direlakan pergi sahaja.

Mari temukan kotak pandora lain!


April 27, 2018

Encourage Other

 Photo by Bino Storyteller on Unsplash

A good thing about having friend is when they told you honestly about your capability on something even when you don't ask one. Somehow it enlightened another side of you, like sun rising inside you. Have you ever feel that?

I was growing up in an artsy kinda family. Art is a superpower we have inside our blood. That's probably because what my dad capable of. Include playing music instruments (traditional and modern), painting, sketching, sculpture, design, and he often getting fussy about things he felt less incoherent trough his artsy-scanning eyes.

During years we grow up together, my siblings started to find their art sense. The male were having a good shoot in music, some of them were joining bands. Drawing and sketch more inherent to the girls, both of my sister good at drawing characters, creating doodles and comic making. While I doodle my abstract life.

Surrounded by people with art superpower made me asked my self what did I capable of? I don't  play music instruments and I'm not good in drawing.

Only sometimes I think my art superpower arouse, when I saw an advertising poster less artistic and I had this mental-correction. Another time I was good re-design something by imitating others. Then I doubt my art power even exist, when its hard for me to create an original design came from my own imagination.

I thought maybe art isn't my field. Maybe I was good at something without physical prove, something mental.

Until one day in a train vacation a friend told me that I had something not everyone would have. A power to listen and involved honestly in conversation when someone tell their story.

Instantly I feel awesome.

What I am trying to tell was, I really amazed by the way a friend told me that I actually had something special on my own.

Basically, I knew I had it, she just said out loud to convince me.

Thought it could be amazing if I could did it to other. Filling up the energy by telling they had those positive things/attitude and that's what made them special.

April 08, 2018

My Unexpected No. 04: The Escaped Door

Photo by Garrett Sears on Unsplash

Gladly I was made a right decision to leave my current office because the situation was so fucked up and I can't allowed myself to be the black sheep no more.

The story started a week ago when my only partner was kicked out immediately last minute before April started. She was told to stop working there on Friday and had no chance to find a back up job before she left. Which means.. I became the only one who will in charge on everything and I'm not happy about it. Because it is impossible to handle two brand e-commerce plus a warehouse by two experienced person with a high expectations everything will running smoothly. And now they wanted to cut one leg?

If I could make a analogy, we (me and my partner) were like a two-legs broken chair and really wanted to strengthen our self by adding another leg. But then what we concern doesn't concern them (the company). According to them the best way to make things better was by replacing a leg with the new one. What was wrong in their fucking mind! We are the grassroots who know better. Argh! I was really upset.

For only a couple of days after my partner left, I was stressed out by the things I need to handle alone and if there's an escaped door I would gladly vanished from that cursed place.

But then, the escaped door emerged on Thursday afternoon. Without hesitation I am entering. But the process was not that easy. In order to be vanished from that placed as soon as possible, I need to allow all my payroll vanished too. Even my bosses were blackmailed me. Hahahaha! All I am going to say was: I am taking all the consequences I deserve, and I am not fucking scared.

Well, enough for the bad words.

After all this time, I have been trough good and bad times with a few good people there. Some remain supportive, some just getting suspicious but life is moving on. For two years I've gained a lot: friends, e-commerce/marketing skills, and I really thankful for that. I don't really want to expel myself like this, but this is for the best.

Regarding this still is an early beginning of 2018, I am welcoming a new job, new life and a boyfriend. Oh, how I love my unexpected.


April 03, 2018

The Linked Fingers

 Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

It was raining outside around eleven pm. The camping ground was having more than ten tents as guests but none was successfully set a bonfire even they wanted to. Near corner the second step ground we set up a tent. It nearly bed time after a five-hour voyage to the spot we lay our tired bodies side to side.

Neighbors chatters faint along as he shoot a simple question to the small dark air inside the tent; "do you want me to label us?"

We've been friends for five years now with three years pausing because life separated us and social media don't involved us. We've just met again as new person early last year.

That particular time, that particular question, in a moment like that I felt my heart beat faster.

After a long pause he asked: "so?" and put a little finger between us as he waited for an answer.

I linked mine to his.